Thursday, April 26, 2007

Amazing Fossil Discovery in Washington DC

Washinton DC, April 26, 2007
staff writer

The fossilized remains of a new species of human-like ape have been discovered under our Nation’s Capital.

Paleontologists have dubbed the new hominid species Hillarius Clintoni because of its unique political and evolutionary advantage of being able to kiss up to the minority co-species Jessimus Jackassicus and Judisicus Liberalis while storing its head inside of its rectum--much like a kangaroo carries its young in a pouch—thus protecting it from rational dissenting argument. Scientists speculate that Hillarius Clintoni accomplished this extraordinary maneuver through the use of two horizontally opposed faces and a great deal of unpleasant attitude.

Further evidence indicates that the new species would likely have met with rapid extinction without the direct support of an earlier, larger species—Williamus Clintoni—that had evolved long, coat-tail like appendages that trailed behind it and which Hillarius Clintoni rode upon as the larger species roamed about, in search of mating opportunities.

Both the Williamus and Hillarius branches of the Clintoni thrived in the swamp-bogs common to what is now the Washington DC area. Artifacts related to these primitive nomads have been found as far North as the Lower Catskill Mountains in New York State and as far West as the White Water River in Arkansas, though the evidence indicates that the Clintoni never set up permanent settlements in these remote areas—preferring instead to pass through them and return to the lowland swamps.

Tool marks and dental scans seem to point to a diet rich in interns, subordinates, and graft—though recent analysis of petrified Clintoni feces have indicated that the hominids, though relatively dim-witted, occasionally had the opportunity to feast upon cattle-futures contracts, and large chunks tax dollars have been pulled from the stool samples.

So what caused the eventual extinction of the Clintoni? No one knows for certain, but a poll of tenured college professors revealed that the ultimate elimination of the Clintoni occurred after a vast alliance of Humans—the Reaganites—arrived from the right-side of the continent driving SUVs. Thus, their extinction may be largely attributable to Global Warming.

Sometimes, just for fun.
Be well,

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Evil in the Kingdom

Once again we are stunned by the actions that one insane man can wreck upon us. The damage to lives and property is only exceeded by the damage to our psyches. Virginia Tech is a university and community in mourning.

The calls of remedy and blame will invariably persist:

  • "Ban all firearms!"
  • "The university should have done something!"
  • "The teachers and administrators were suspicious and did nothing!"
  • And undoubtedly at some point we will hear, "It's George Bush's fault!"
Protect ourselves, we should. Plan and prepare, of course. Sensibly regulate and legislate, if need be. But it seems one of the highest forms of denial and ego to think that we as individuals, a people, or a nation can act, do, or prepare in any way sufficient to strip the world completely of evil and its effects. Were we to try, we would populate our land with closeted phobics devoid of freedom and will--but still evil would appear to stun us again, and again.

Serve Us Justice
Insanity is just that. To expect that the reasoning and methods of insanity would make sense or be controllable in the planning and rationale of the sane is itself .....well, insane. We should take what reasonable measures we must, and then accept the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune as are flung at us by those evil and insane. That is what justice is for. For if we truly have the power to prevent evil, we have no use for justice. It is the rational realization that evil exists somewhat on the fringes of our ability to plan for and cope that the concept of justice finds its meaning.

This is true if you seek justice in the corporeal or spiritual.

As for me, I send my condolences to the families of the dead and wounded--equally to those who witnessed that dreaded day and have had their confidences shaken. I offer only that they--and we--consider that the fault of such a tragedy lays solely with its perpetrator--and evil itself.

Be well,

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Beware Strange Men Bearing Gifts

The Gift
So....How did he phrase it? Well, according to a transcription posted on The Independent (1), he said it thus:

"On the occasion of the birth anniversary of the great Prophet of Islam, and on the occasion of Easter and Passover, I would like to announce that the great nation of Iran, while it is entitled to put the British military personnel on trial, has pardoned these 15 sailors and gives their release to the people of Britain as a gift...."

The last time I saw such a gift, it involved Don Corleone and an unfortunate horse.

International pressure was certainly a factor--nobody believed that the British sailors were captured in Iranian waters. But Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can rest comfortably in the knowledge that he accomplished his primary mission. Though in person he may be physically diminutive in stature, he was able to pull up to the grown-up's table using the booster-seat of this contrived crisis. That's what he really wanted. And he got what he wanted by stomping about and raising a ruckus like a spoiled child who has been spared the rod too often.

Imams, Ayatollahs, and Sheiks (Oh, my!)
Is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insane? Maybe. But likely his madness is just enough to allow his adequate function on the world's stage. He will play his pawns and subsequently be played as one by the Imams, Ayatollahs, and sheiks. For rarely does one who plays humanity cheaply avoid getting played himself. It is the way of totalitarians and tyrants.

Ashes to Ashes
We will undoubtedly hear from the Iranian president again soon as he either creates another crisis or inserts himself into one. Ronald Reagan once famously consigned communism to the "ash heap of history." Certainly, Ahmadinejad will one day join his Islamofascist brethren in that smouldering pile. Let us pray that he does not take a city or two with him as he goes.

Be well,

(1) Published: 05 April 2007;

Monday, April 02, 2007

In a Tip to the Bard

It's a smack-down....really "old school" the Shakespeare style.

"You have the understanding of an infant--but this is very well, if a child you are--reliant on the willingness and care of those 'round about to hold their noses, gather your soiled garments, and wipe your bare ass. This is a task that all do quite willingly for the very young. But there have been decades since you sat up to your mother's breast; What then is your reasoning? You speak proudly of your manhood and erudition, then soil yourself in your naiveté' and crass calumny. Is there no hair yet upon your chest and arms? You wryly lay claim to a salient command of science and art, yet spout only childish philosophies.

Well it seems that you would have me run through your gates and traps once again; defend my faith yet cry "foul!" if I venture the slightest retort. Quite the fragile boy, you are!

But you are worse than a child, for a babe knows nothing more. You embrace your reckless ignorance like a drunkard does his wine. It is both shield and sword to you--but good for neither.

Fine then! As I have been the needy recipient of grace up til this very day, may the Lord in Heaven give me patience as I come 'round to mop up your filth once again, resist the temptation to strike your bare bottom with a cane in the process whilst it hangs out, and explain it to you one more time.

But remember this: I may be willing to wipe your ass, dear child, but dare not ask that I kiss it."

I giggleth, therfore I am.

Be well,