Washinton DC, April 26, 2007
The fossilized remains of a new species of human-like ape have been discovered under our Nation’s Capital.
Paleontologists have dubbed the new hominid species Hillarius Clintoni because of its unique political and evolutionary advantage of being able to kiss up to the minority co-species Jessimus Jackassicus and Judisicus Liberalis while storing its head inside of its rectum--much like a kangaroo carries its young in a pouch—thus protecting it from rational dissenting argument. Scientists speculate that Hillarius Clintoni accomplished this extraordinary maneuver through the use of two horizontally opposed faces and a great deal of unpleasant attitude.
Further evidence indicates that the new species would likely have met with rapid extinction without the direct support of an earlier, larger species—Williamus Clintoni—that had evolved long, coat-tail like appendages that trailed behind it and which Hillarius Clintoni rode upon as the larger species roamed about, in search of mating opportunities.
Both the Williamus and Hillarius branches of the Clintoni thrived in the swamp-bogs common to what is now the Washington DC area. Artifacts related to these primitive nomads have been found as far North as the Lower Catskill Mountains in New York State and as far West as the White Water River in Arkansas, though the evidence indicates that the Clintoni never set up permanent settlements in these remote areas—preferring instead to pass through them and return to the lowland swamps.
Tool marks and dental scans seem to point to a diet rich in interns, subordinates, and graft—though recent analysis of petrified Clintoni feces have indicated that the hominids, though relatively dim-witted, occasionally had the opportunity to feast upon cattle-futures contracts, and large chunks tax dollars have been pulled from the stool samples.
So what caused the eventual extinction of the Clintoni? No one knows for certain, but a poll of tenured college professors revealed that the ultimate elimination of the Clintoni occurred after a vast alliance of Humans—the Reaganites—arrived from the right-side of the continent driving SUVs. Thus, their extinction may be largely attributable to Global Warming.
Sometimes, just for fun.