Welcome to the Main Event
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Main Event of the evening!
In this corner, weighing in at a sloppy 25,000 pounds; with swollen noses and wearing brown-stained Armani trunks are the 100 Senators of the United States…Senators! [boo, hiss, grumble]
In the opposing corner, weighing in at 300 million votes; carrying the rule of law, reason, and a well-defined sense of fair play upon their shoulders; and wearing Red, White, and Blue Trunks are the Citizens of the United States…Citizens! [yea!]
Referee: Alright gentlemen, I want a fair fight. No ad hominem arguments or name calling—just go out there and debate the issue at hand and do what’s right for the country.
Citizens: Hey…the Senator's boxing gloves are stuffed with cash and rolled coins.
Referee: Those are campaign contributions, questionable book deal revenues, and consulting contract income.
Citizens: Is that fair?
Referee: No,…what’s your point? At the sound of the Liberty Bell, come out swinging.
Announcer: And the Senators make the first move!
Senators: It’s not really “Amnesty,” It’s more like a “Pardon!”
Citizens: That makes no sense.
Senators: What we have now is “De-facto Amnesty!”
Citizens: So we should go from “De-facto Amnesty” to “Actual Amnesty?”
Senators: It’s actually “Earned Citizenship!” Quick—someone get me a Thesaurus!!
Citizens: You’re not fooling anyone.
Senators: You're a Racist! You want to break up families! Hamburgers will be $20 each! Who’s going to pick my lettuce?? You just don't understand the issues! If we legalize them then they will vote for us!!!!!!
Announcer: A large cut has opened up in the Senators' position—the audience gasps as the Citizens come charging back!
Citizens: We tried the legalization thing before and you guys did nothing to enforce the laws. You passed a bill to build a border fence and then play political games with it so it won’t get built.
Announcer: Body-Blow! Body-Blow!
Senators: This is all the fault of talk-radio fear-mongers who have to be stopped!
Citizens: You mean those guys who helped you all get elected last time?
Announcer: The Senators are realing—bearly able to stand on their own two feet!
Citizens: Your plan doesn’t make economic, legal, or moral sense at all.
Senators: It’s the best deal we could make! It’s even Bi-partisan and everything!!
Citizens: You are running this thing like a game of Three-Card-Monte. No matter what we choose, we lose, because you are the guys dealing the cards and deciding what the choices are. I’ve had enough of this—we’re going to vote your deal-making, double-talking, legacy seeking, self-centered butts right out of office!
Senators: So you do not like this immigration bill? Why didn’t you just say so?
Announcer: The Senators have just run out of the ring and are sprinting for the door!
Referee: The winner, defender of liberty, and still champion of Constitutional Republican governance…The Citizens! [yea!]
Well, the good guys took this round with the defeat of the terrible Immigration bill in the Senate. But don’t forget, friends—the Senators will be back for another round of Sophistry and Mayhem. Let’s make sure that we are ready for them.