Sunday, September 09, 2007

Liberalism Causes Cancer, Study Proves
Air America and Daily Kos Implicated

In a stunning revelation, scientists have confirmed the existence of a definitive study proving a distinct and direct correlation between liberal ideologies and certain diseases—including, the most common types of colorectal cancer. In a first-of-its-kind survey of nearly 2000 Colorectal Cancer patients, 99% of them were either liberals or had recently been exposed to a liberal within days of their diagnosis. Never has such a definitive link—with a nearly one-to-one relationship—ever been established before.

Eminent research physician Dr. O. P. DeAd, author of this ground-breaking and controversial report, launched his research project based upon personal experience. “I was having dinner with my parents one evening and the TV was on in the other room,” said Dr. DeAd. “On the air at the time was Meet the Press and the guest panelist was James Carville, the Democrat strategist and campaign consultant. After hearing Mr. Carville speak for several minutes, my father exclaimed, ‘That Carville is a huge pain in the ass!’ That was the first time I put two and two together and wondered if there could be an actual correlation.”

After interviewing several of the patients in his family practice, Dr. DeAd noted that several patients expressed the same Carville-related symptoms. The good Doctor had a close scrape himself when applying for the Federal Grant he used to finance the study. Shortly after beginning the application process to access tax dollars for his research, he had a sudden bout of severe hemorrhoids that required weeks of treatments. “I was amazed at the incredible amount of rectal pain involved with the Federal Grant process. There was a real risk that I might lose my ass altogether. After this personal experience, I was even more convinced that my hypothesis was correct.” said Dr. DeAd.

After allowing for factors such as television programming and James Carville in particular, the research pointed to a broader pathogen. “Most of the patients found the TV show ‘Meet the Press,” and James Carville in particular, to be fairly irritating—but we soon discovered that the majority of sufferers had been exposed to a broad spectrum of Democrats and Liberals in general. Nancy Pelosi, Al Franken, the Clintons; exposure to any of these irritants appears to validate our hypothesis. It is the entire Liberal spectrum that brings disease to the rectum.”

Although many criticize the methodology used to gather data for this research, Dr. DeAd points out that he studiously followed the rigorous scientific statistical methods employed by Global Warming proponents, by the various studies which demonstrate the successes of Federal Welfare Programs, and by Dan Rather’s journalistic research team; among others.

Is there a cure? Dr. DeAd’s research points to hopeful signs. Many of his patients have experienced immediate relief by reading the works of William F. Buckley and noted economist Milton Friedman. Clearly more work needs to be done, but the public is advised to avoid exposure to NPR, the Democrat Debates, The Daily Kos Web site, and the tattered remains of Air America until more is known.

Be well,
(sometimes, it’s just for fun)

1 comment:

G Dub said...

Wow! This study uses the exact same scientific method that Liberals themselves use, so it must be true!

Now when do the clinical trials start on medications curing the disorder? I have a few people I'd like to sign up...